Every time the Republicans say something hypocritical or irrelevent…

Nah, forget it. We’d already be hammered.

So right now, at this moment, Rudy Giuliani–allegedly “America’s Mayor”–is talking about Obama. He first started out by giving head to John McCain because his service record was so good.

Funny… George W. Bush’s lack of military service wasn’t a deal breaker. Funny… Dick Cheney’s 5 differments to avoid Vietnam wasn’t a deal breaker. Funny… John Kerry’s Purple Heart was the subject of ridicule during the 2004 election. Weird!

Now he’s hammering Barack Obama on his lack of experience and leadership.

Funny… George W. Bush had all this experience (six years running Texas!), yet him and his Daft Pack still managed to fuck this country like a $3.65 a gallon Whore.

Oooh, he’s addressing the “More of the same” charge what was quite accurately leveled at McCain. “Change is not a destination just like Hope is not a strategy.” Wow. The nerve of Obama (”ZerObama” as the GOP faithful are chanting) to make us have hope again. Curse you, Barack!

He just mentioned Nuclear Power and Off-Shore drilling…and they’re chanting “Drill, Baby, Drill!”. Funny, they must have not noticed the fact that it’ll take 10 years to do anything to dent our foreign oil dependency.

 He’s saying all this with a straight face! He came thisclose to talking about the economy and then went right into “John McCain will keep us safe from terrorists!”. Ah, the old Republican bread’n'butter. The War! The War on Terror! The Dems can’t protect us! Only the magical warm blanket of the Republican (12 minutes in, Rudy just mentioned 9/11. DRINK!) party can save us from the boogeymen they call “Islamic Terrorists”. Yes sir, rile up the jingos.

Ohhh, and now “Giving up in Iraq is giving up on America!”. “If the war is lost, who lost? Al Queda? Bin Laden?” Word? Really? Bin Laden? Ya’ll have been in IRAQ for 5 years now, a place Bin Laden has never been spotted, word to Waldo and Carmen San Diego.

Now Rudy’s wacking the Republicans off because of the successful Troop Surge. A completely unnecessary troop surge. A troop surge in a war that was established under false pretenses. Shit, that’s like the Cat in the Hat fucking shit up at that house and then expecting a gratuity for getting it all cleaned up.

Now Obama’s a flip-flopper. Yeah, so let me get this straight: They’d rather have their commander-in-chief make a completely horrible decision and stick with it, rather than change his mind. Riiiiight. Fun Quote from Rudy: “If I was Joe Biden, I’d get that Vice President promise in writing.”

And now he’s mocking Obama wanting to go to the United Nations Security Council over the whole Russia invading Georgia thing. Wow. Wow. Wow. The nerve of him not busting caps without thinking. Tell you what, Rudy hasn’t said anything about the Republicans are gonna do, but he sure does have some almost-entertaining stand up with Obama as the target.

Now he’s on Sarah Palin. Apparently McCain is bursting into the future by choosing Palin, a member of the “New Generation”, the “Most popular governor in America”. Um, is he just talking about the people that like her Hot Librarian look. And Obama is getting ridiculed because he allegedly thinks Palin’s hometown isn’t “flashy” enough. Riiight. Ah, and here comes the “clings to religion” line, which the Republicans are laughing at. Apparently they have a bible where it’s okay for 17 year old unwed daughters to have premarital sex and get knocked up. Aaaannndd Palin, with one day as Mayor, had more executive experience than Obama or Biden. Hey, I ran a backyard wrestling federation for 2 years. Does this mean I’m better qualified to run an organization better than Shane McMahon because I was in charge and he wasn’t?

Ahh, he’s wrapping up, and while it’s paused, I’m looking at how bored McCain’s or Palin’s daughter looks bored, mindlessly clapping. “How dare they question whether Sarah Palin has enough time to spend with her children and be Vice President!” Um, who said this? I’ve read like a dozen articles since they announced that pick and I’ve yet to read that. Bravo, Rudy. Now he’s talking about their belief in freedom, in letting workers work, and letting parents pick where their kids go to school. Right, cuz Obama doesn’t. He’s totally against that.

Rudy didn’t say shit about what they’re really gonna do or how they’re gonna do it. The funniest part is that, twice, Rudy said that McCain and Palin are gonna “Shake up washington”. Right, okay, so those republican motherfuckers just got rich off the last 8 years, and McPalin are gonna change it…without ever condemning what needed to be shaken up, without ever actually mentioning and programs or initiatives. That stupid fuck did what I knew the Republicans were gonna do: Talk about experience. Apparently, running a town of 6,500 for 6 years and being a governor of a state with a population of less than 1 million for less than 2 years is greater experience than Obama’s 7 years as a State Legislator and 2 years as a Junior Senator. Riiiight.

So I’m to believe that the Republicans, after fucking this country for the last almost decade, have learned their lesson? Are gonna say, “Okay, our bad, we didn’t know W. was gonna do all that. We’ll totally turn this around.”? I sincerely doubt that, and as the last 20 years of Republican presidents have proved, so should you.

***

Sarah Palin’s turn.

Ah, now Hot Librarian Palin is up. Them GOPers are doing a great job opf pretending they actually want her to take the job. They’re showing her kids, and everyone’s sooo happy. Somewhere Tina Fey is sitting in front of a mirror working on her Palinisms.

Fun Fact: The Democrats picked a Female Vice Presidential candidate 24 years ago. Yep, them Republicans are cutting edge. I hear McCain just got an 8 track player installed in his Rascal. (sorry, I had to retaliate for them taking shots at my man Obie).

Wow, they’re clapping up a storm for her. I think they’re all hammered.

Fun Fact: There’s like 6 black people at the RNC. Lots of old white people.

Sarah’s speaking: She’s not so hot looking at her straight on. She’s less Tina Fey and more…plain.

Fun Fact: Her daughter has the ill rack.

She sounds like the lunch lady reading off the specials. “Friday, Pizza, steamed broccoli, chilled milk.”

Aaaannndd right back to the war in Iraq. The war W. started. Wow. Apparently they think the 2004 “YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE IF DEMS GET IN THE OVAL OFFICE!” is still gonna work. Not in this economy, Sarah. “There’s a time for politics and a time for leadership. A time for campaign and a time to put our country first.” What? Whaaaaattt? WHAAAT??

Yep, right back to the war and McCain’s service record. Bush, Cheney, Kerry. GO! Ah, she just mentioned that her kid is going to Iraq and that’s why she wants McCain in office. Cuz, you know, his party WASN’T the “Go to war with the army you have, not the army you want.” Bravo. Her family is proud of her son and her nephew, also going to Iraq. More Jingo stuff. More chants of USA. They reeeaaallllyyyy think it’s going well over there, huh? That a whole new generation of Arab/Muslim/Middle Eastern people aren’t gonna grow up despising us over that shit? Pfff…

 Ah, the child role call. Can’t hate here. Just a blatant: “Hey! I have kids! You have kids! Yay kids! I’m normal! You’re normal! I cut coupons!”. This is beyond pathetic, beyond pandering. Talking about special needs kids. Odds she’s sincere: even money. Odds she’s whoring out her youngest to appeal to voters: 1:1243. She’s talking about how she’s gonna be the Kids With Disabilities Veep. Cuz, you know, when you think “Equal Opportunity and Equal rights programs”, you think Republicans.

She’s up to her Husband now. He snowmobiles, ya know. He’s a steel worker and a Union member, ya know. *slow clap for Mr. Palin*. She’s up to Mom and Pop Dukes now. Wow. “My parents are here tonite!” This is beyond lame. She really has nothing to say. What’s next? Vacation slides? “This is our trip to South of the Border in between North and South Carolina. Here’s Bristol hooking up with a bus boy at 15! Aww!”.

“I grew up with those people!”. (Speaking about service industry types). She says “They” quite a bit. What’s next? “Some of my best friends are migrant workers selling oranges on the freeway.”

“Small Town…Hockey Mom…PTA…” Okay, that settles it. You can run our bake sale, Sarah. Doesn’t she know hockey’s like the 7th most popular sport in this country? Finger on the pulse, I tells ya! “I knew those voters!” (speaking about working for the town). Ma, you probably knew all of them cuz there was 11 people in your town.

Here comes the “experience” slanders. “I guess a small town mayor is sort of like a community organizer except you have actual responsibilities.” I think Rudy wrote that for her. Classy. “Clinging to guns and religion” shot number 2! I’m telling you, September is the new May. This is not gonna swing any votes. Brava, Sarah. I love how she’s calling Obie out on shit her party does.

Here comes the “Washington Elite = Bad, I’m an outsider!”. Whining about how the media treats a Washington outsider unfairly. Right, cuz she didn’t just talk shit about Obama’s lack of Washington experience. Double wow.

This lady is boring. Super-Boring. Still no talk about policies, still no talk about programs, still no talk about what’s gonna change, what things are gonna be different. Ooh! Ooh! She just winked! Terrorist Eye Flutter!

She actually just said: “To serve the common good.” She really did. With a straight face! “Govern with integrity and good will.” Again, straight face!

“Stood up to special interests, the good old boys…power brokers.” Wow. They’re really just ethering their own party now. McCain voted 85%-95%  with Bush. Bush is supposed to be so bad that now a new brand of super-nice Republicans are gonna take over. 85%-95% WITH the ruling party that’s so bad there’s gonna be some shaking going on.

Ah, now we’re back to the “Sarah Palin: Domestic Everywoman” nonsense.

McCain: Fan of the Veto. Word? With a Democratic congress, yeah. A republican congress? Proooobably not.

She’s back on her Alaska shit. She’s reformed this and that. Awesome. If McCain died the day after he “took” office, would anyone really feel comfortable with her? No.

Example of how she’s stupid and ethering her party: Talking about slapping around oil companies. Um… Right. Sooo…. Republicans have always been linked to oil companies why? She’s really talking about imported oil and junk. This is beyond stupid. All she’s talking about are oil producing nations we don’t get along with. Not one word about Saudi Arabia. We can get oil from them. They’re cool, they’re on the list. Aaannndd back to “Drill, Baby, Drill”.

I sincerely think they’ve forgotten that they fucked us over. Nuclear plants again! I’m sure we’ll only use those for a bit before they go right to the “Renewable Energy Sources”, right? Totally. And she’s just saying stuff Obama already said.

Uh Oh! More Obama slams. Here we go! “Two memoirs, no major laws or reforms.” *sigh* Back to inexperience. Not one word about Biden. Back to the war: “Obama won’t use the word victory unless he’s talking about his own campaign.” Right. The war…The Republicans started. Back to the celebrity thing, dropping “Hollywood” left and right. “Right after he’s done turning back the waters and healing the planet…taking more of your money? Bigger government, making America’s influence smaller.” Excuse me? Really? Cuz we’d be in the deficit/recession if we WEREN’T spening $10B a month on the war? Bitch, we wouldn’t have to raise taxes (which will be on the rich motherfuckers, natch) is the money we WERE collecting was actually going to something other than the Military Industrial Complex.

Again: Nobody’s swinging this way that wasn’t already 9/10ths of the way towards McCain.

She’s back to “He wants to extend rights to terrorists that wanna blow us up!”. Sarah…baby…not 2004. She’s completely ignoring the Republican participation in fucking this country. She’s telling half-truths about Obama’s stuff.

Fun Fact: People in the crowd are either flipping out with jubilation, or looking on like, “This is the best we could do?”.

Talking about raising taxes is all Obie wants to do. Really? Cuz lowering taxes and trickle down economics has been working this whole time? Obama’s using change to further his career. McCain is using his career to promote change. Brava. Bullshit. This chick is talking so slick she must have an oil derrick up her ass. No real critiques with any real substance. Back to Obama being all talk. This is pathetic. They really have nothing to go on.

“He doesn’t run with the Washington herd!”, said of John McCain. You know, “90% with Dubya” McCain. More of McCain being a maverick, more talk about how Obama’s candidacy is a “journey of personal discovery”. Apparently she missed when Obama flat-out said, “This election isn’t about me, this election is about you!”. Oh, and the 3rd or 4th “Community Organizer” crack at Obie. Blah. It’s getting older than “Rey’s giant fitted hat” jokes.

More “McCain has fought for you!”. 5. Deferments. Texas Air National Guard RESERVE. Mocking John Kerry’s purple heart. They really think people are gonna go, “Wow, those Elephants really ARE new and improved!”. Pathetic.

Winning = Surviving. Losing = Death. McCain = Life. Obama = Death. Wow. “Served and Suffered!” *see above*

Fun Fact: Just showed a black guy. Shaking his head side to side after a rousing McCain compliment. Wearing a POW-MIA hat. Thanks for the honesty, black guy and camera guy.

They managed to find someone locked up with McCain in Hanoi. Funny… McCain’s service didn’t mean squat back in 2000 when Dubya’s team tore him apart. I can’t believe I’m delaying a massive twosie for this.

Another shot of “McCain = Deeds, Obama = Words”. Obama’s laid out a plan with his words, and McCain’s deeds *cough*90% with Dubya*cough* have shown us all we need to see.

Nice Deeds, eh?

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

Lessons Learned: McCain was a POW, Palin was a mayor and dangit, that should count too! Pathetic showing by the Republicans. Grand Ol’ Party? Ni**a Please.

I can’t see anybody really falling for this, I really can’t. They didn’t say how they were gonna “change” anything, whereas Obama mentioned time and time again what he was gonna do and how he was gonna do it. I’ll take Obama every day of the week and twice on Sundays. Register to vote. Vote Obama. We need hope, and McCain ain’t it.

Come January, we’ll play the “Everytime someone chants ‘Yes We Can!’” drinking game when Obama takes the oath of office.

–Rey.I.Is