ReyTheHussein Presents VanCity & L.A.’s Own: WEB

Okay, so… My younger brother Mario is here from San Diego ’til next Wednesday, which is why I haven’t posted anything here in forever. But! My friend Web has a new project coming out that I strongly support, so I’m breaking my rule of “Rey doesn’t post new/exclusive music because he wants original content on his blog”. So basically, the trade-off was that I’ll post his site and music info if he writes me a blog to fulfill my posting obligations.

The homey came thru. Enjoy.

10 GREATEST VILLAINS EVER

I heard from a few people that there’s this dude named Web who has this super nice album out right now called, I’ll Be Alright, Book One. Apparently you can preview the album HERE and if you’d like you can purchase the album HERE. I also heard that he’s letting the album go for free, piece by piece over the next 11 weeks, starting with 3 songs called, Rebirth, Get Over (Prologue) and Cutlass Supreme. Just passing the message along, that’s all.

Ok, so in case you don’t know who I am, I’m a Native American (I prefer to say Indian but when I say that people think I wear a turban), obsessive compulsive, control freak/up and coming emcee (up and coming being the nice way of saying, “broke and still trying to get shit poppin”). I’m a sucker for good music, good beer, random humor and funny 8/10’s. My homie Rey hit me up and asked if I wanted to contribute a piece to this fuckin ILL site, to which I responded, “bet” and now here I am at 1:30am writing my latest bunch of random thoughts. If you’d like to get to know me better, click HERE. If not then we’re not friends.

I’ve been in a fucked up mood lately. This summer for some reason has been a continuous series of unfortunate events for myself and most of the people I know. The type of shit where you say, “It can’t get any worse” and then somehow god manages to find a way to kick you in the balls over and over again. So with that said my sentiments have been “fuck the world” these past few months. And not in a  “I’m gonna get wasted and start a fight” way, but more or less “I’m gonna make everybody pay for this while shaking my fist at the sky” type way. I’ve been thinking a lot lately of how I can get the world back for being a supremely under-rated, underachieving artist and I’ve come to the conclusion that I should study a few of the greats. So without further ado, I bring you…..

THE 10 GREATEST VILLAINS EVER

10) MR. BELDING- As a kid growing up in a city (Vancouver) where poor, middle class and rich were all mixed in together, Saved By The Bell was to me what I wish high school would’ve been like. As the poor kid at school I got picked on relentlessly all the way up until 8th grade (it’s amazing what a few inches and a mean right hook can do for you. Being the neighborhood weed guy never hurts either). Kelly Kapowski eased my journey into teenager-dom and then at the end of 7th grade I made out with my first black girl and Lisa Turtle became my new tv girlfriend. The problem? Mr. Belding. He had this harmless, funny guy principle steez but behind the stupid laugh there was something sinister going on. Whenever there was fun to be had, Belding was there to fuck it up. Zack concocted some of the greatest schemes ever put together by a pubescent mind but Belding always had him dialed. Therefore, shit was always pretty dull around Bayside. Just ONCE I wanted to see Lisa get drunk at a party and get down with Screech or Zack to finally win those tickets to Hawaii (I was fuckin screaming BONSAI! at my tv). But no, Richie Belding ruled with an iron fist. My theory? Screech was snitching the whole time and that’s how he got the job as Belding’s assistant in The New Class. Think about that one for a minute.

9) BORING 10′S- You know what I’m talking about. She was going out with some dude you kinda know for the longest time. You used to tell your friends, “If I ever get a chance to holla at her, I swear man….”. Then your day comes. She broke up with her man and you get her number. You feel like you just accomplished something MAJOR. You wait it out those few days (stupid fuckin rules) and then you make the call. She picks up aaannnnndddd it’s the longest 15 minutes of your life. She has nothing interesting to say at all. She doesn’t get any of your jokes and there’s huge pauses of awkward silence. But your dick refuses to let this one go so you make the date anyway. Then the night comes and you’re praying she was just really tired or temporarily retarded when you spoke to her. Of course, that’s not the case and you have just walked straight into a night of one long uncomfortable moment with slight pauses of confusion on her end. Having a boner at this point would kinda be like when somebody loses an arm. You swear you can feel it but it just ain’t there.

SHREDDER- My homie had a turtle once. He used to take it out of it’s tank and let it walk around the living room. It was the illest pet I ever saw. He even had it trained somewhat, believe it or not. He was in love with this thing like it was his son. Then one night in a heated match of Madden ‘03 my other homie jumped off the couch and accidentally brought “Marvin’s” short life to an end. I’ve never seen somebody so devastated by the death of a pet before. My homie is one of those dudes that even the toughest guys try their best NOT to fuck with and to this day he gets crazy sensitive when we bring it up. Sometimes we’ll tell the story at the studio after the beers come out and we need a good laugh. If he’s in the room he gets all quiet with that reflective look on his face. You know why? Because turtles are seriously COOL. So what the fuck was Shredder’s problem? Sure he had a long running beef with Splinter (see: Ja Rule and 50 Cent), but why did he have to bring the turtles into it? Shredder was the one who killed Splinter’s master. He had no reason to even beef with Splinter in the first place, but hey, some guys just don’t like each other. If that’s what it is then keep your beef with the rat. The turtles were all about pizza and good times. How can you hate that? You forced the turtles to fight crime, you dickhead. You could’ve came and snuffed Splinter while they were out skateboarding or some shit but you got lazy. If you had’ve been on top of your shit, the turtles would’ve been sad for a day then Michaelangelo would go “Cowabunga!” and all would be forgotten. Fuck you, Shredder. Your helmet is gay too.

7) THE WEATHER NETWORK- The other day I got up extra early cuz I had a ton of paper work and running around to do. Since the sun wasn’t out yet I turned the tv to channel 18 (The Weather Network) to see what the weather was gonna be like that day so I could dress accordingly. You see, Vancouver is a city with unpredictable weather. It can drop to 40 degrees and rain relentlessly for a week in the middle of August. So I watched the weather report and sure enough it said, “cloudy with rainy periods and a high of 55 degrees”. Trusting that predicting the weather is their fuckin JOB, I threw on my hoodie and tims and headed downtown to get my shit done. Sure enough, by 2pm it was like 105 degrees outside with not a cloud in the sky. I was covered in sweat and I was trying to guess just how yellow my socks were now from the unbelievable amount of moisture in my tims. I thought to myself, “How many times has this happened? Stupid fuckin weather network”. And then it hit me. This happens everytime! Why do I even bother watching that channel!?!? It’s like there’s a group of rich meteorologists who had a ton of money and plan. A plan to fuck over every single person who ever watches their shitty channel and trusts the opinions of a group of people who’s only reason for living is to predict the weather. I could just imagine these assholes playing volleyball on the beach and laughing at all the dumbasses walking around in leather jackets. You’ve won this round meteorologist bastards, but vengence will be mine.

6) GENE HACKMAN- Nobody in Hollywood is as evil as Gene Hackman. There are few actors that can play the bad guy who you feel are genuinely twisted. He’s the original Lex Luthor, need I say more? He’s fuckin Superman’s arch-nemesis! Superman has x-ray vision, is fast as a speeding bullet, he’s bullet PROOF, he has lasers in his eyes and he can fly. You have to be on some supremely evil shit to be able to fuck with that. Not to mention that Lex Luthor doesn’t have any super powers at all. He just kinda walks around like he’s the baddest muva ever to have been born (sorry Shaft). In Unforgiven he killed Morgan Freeman who’s like that dude everybody wishes was their dad. How ice cold is that!?!? In The Quick And The Dead when Leonardo Dicaprio caught a hot one and was on the ground crying and screaming, “I don’t wanna die! I’m so scared!” he just stood there staring at him like, “Sorry kid, thems the breaks”. You’re gonna burn for that, Gene.

5) BOUNCERS- Here’s the set-up. It’s been a long-ass 3 weeks of being in the studio and trying to get paid for my art. So since it’s Friday night, I’ve decided to put all that behind me for a few hours, go out and tear it up. But instead of hitting the usual hole in the wall spots, tonight I’m gonna hit up that “high end” club that all the rich kids go to. So I cut my hair, head down to the mall and get a fresh white tee, text my promoter homie for guestlist (Web +4 please), scrub my ‘89 Flights til they practically glow, throw the laces in the wash machine for maximum freshness and break out that pair of denims I only rock on the “dime piece” nights. After an hour of pre-drinking and convincing the homies that heading down to that ultra pretentious club is a GOOD idea, we roll out. Upon our arrival the bouncer looks at us and says, “No hats”. So one of us gets nominated to run all the way back to the car and throw the various New Era fitteds in the back seat while the rest of us stand around out front looking like a crew of idiots watching the ginos, guidos and boring 10’s walk right past us and into the front door. Once the “hat runner” returns we approach the front door. I say to the bouncer, “We’re on the guestlist” and he says, “Yeah, you guys are gonna have to stand in the guestlist line-up” which is actually longer than the regular line-up. After half an hour of standing around we finally reach the front of the line and the bouncer tells us, “No denim and no sneakers” and I say, “I thought you just said no hats!?!?” to which he replies, “You can’t wear those either”. So basically this failed PE teacher just made me and the crew stand around for an hour to tell us what he could’ve told us when we first got there. Now it’s 1am, we’re all half cut at best and we’re gonna have to scramble to get to one of the the afforementioned hole in the wall spots in hopes that there’s still a few drunk 6/10’s hanging around. Thanks a lot, Barrie Bonds. When I get that milli I’m gonna buy the club you work at and have your ass in the unemployment line as quick as you can say “creatine”.

4) BILL O’REILLY- I’m not gonna write anything about this piece of shit because just saying his name unleashes evil, racist forces on the world that would make Hitler pee his pants. If you have the courage to brave the storm of conservative ignorance, type his name into youtube. Just be prepared to feel like the last place contestant at the special olympics when you’re done.

3) HIPSTERS- I wrote about these culture stealing jerk-offs in a previous post on my myspace page and I’m gonna re-post it here cuz it explains just how evil hipsters truly are…

First you stole my second love (kinda like my side chick), rock ‘n’ roll. You came in with your skinny jeans, adult sized teen angst, stupid haircuts and all around douche bag-ness and took it right out from underneath me. You made songs about girls who broke your heart, girls who shot you down, girls who weren’t actually girls, girls who told you they weren’t into other girls then left you for another girl and girls who stole your make-up. You made it cool to not rock out at all. You made rock music a gigantic homo-fest and you wore jeans so tight we could see your balls. I’ve always wondered, how does one cram adult sized balls into jeans from the Baby GAP? Oh, that’s right, because you have tiny baby balls you little fuckin shit stains. I want you to wake up every day and thank the LORD that Audioslave and The White Stripes were still putting out new music cuz without them I would’ve hunted you down and fed you your pussy ass angst piece by piece. I hope Rage Against The Machine buries you in a shallow hole somewhere in South America.

Through the turmoil known as “homo-rock” (yes, VERY homo), I still had my number one love. My main chick that’s been down since day one. My magical stallion (36-24-38) known as hip hop. I never used to love her, I always did. Even during the dark ages (also known as “the new south”) I still had Kanye, Common, The Roots, Jay-Z and Nas. But then you little emo fuckers started to bleed into my culture. Fruity sweaters, even fruitier sneakers and tight jeans started to pop up all over the place. The 80’s became cool again and I was ok with that cuz I’m an 80’s baby. I liked seeing throwbacks to Transformers, He-Man and Thundercats. Even the odd Captain Planet reference was kinda cool. You know why? Because it reminded me of how much fun I had as a kid. It took me back to a time when life was nothing but comic books and summer breaks. Then everybody started to dress like they were Flavor Flav in his crack days. Neon track suits, huge knock-off glasses and rope chains were the shit again. Even then I sat back and said, “Ok. I can deal with this. It’s just like the whole throwback jersey thing. Just stick to your fatigues, hoodies and tims and wait it out”. Then they started to make music that reflected their choice of personal style. Who would’ve thought that a neon track suit and hypercolor t-shirt sounds like a 3rd trimester abortion. YOU SUCK YOU STUPID FUCKIN HIP HOP RUINING PIECE OF CRACKHEAD SHIT WRAPPED IN ROTTING CABBAGE DIPPED IN SULFURIC ACID, HIPSTER FUCKS! You’d think I’d feel better right now but I don’t. Quit blaming the south too. At least they don’t look like Eddie Murphy in Raw. Being a throwback to the “golden age” is not a valid excuse for not having the intelligence or the flow to keep up with real emcees, it just means that you suck. Please evacuate hip hop before I give Rakim a call and tell him what you’ve been up to.

2) SATAN- The undisputed heavy weight champ of evil. He’d make Gene Hackman cry. He’ll piss on the weather network and make any bouncer stop watching his calories. Everything bad that’s ever happened is because of his dirty work. Everybody from Charles Manson to child molesting priests have referenced him as their influence for commiting the most evil crimes the world has ever seen. This dude is GOD’s greatest foe. Check him out in the bible. For god to mention him as his supreme nemesis, you KNOW this dude is fuckin bananas. Satan is the creator of evil but much like the Bush administration, the originator can fuck up and create something even more sinister than him. The epitome of evil….

1) YOUR PSYCHO EX-GIRLFRIEND- You used to call her (insert name here) but now she’s simply known as, “fuck that bitch”. She’s dedicated her life to making yours a living hell. When you first met her you were absolutely convinced she was, “the one”. You were so blinded by “love” (or what I like to call “the possibility of having sex with a dime piece whenever you feel like it”) that you ignored the red flags going up all over the place. She didn’t like most of your friends. She was the most self-centered, useless human being you’d ever met in your life but you just kept telling yourself to hang in there cuz it’ll get better. And what do you know? It didn’t. When you broke up, she fucked a few people you know but don’t consider friends. She did it so you’d know but you couldn’t say anything cuz they weren’t technically your “friends”. She will never admit it but her life’s mission is to make you completely lose your fuckin marbles. You sign into your facebook account and see, “(insert girl’s name that you’re really diggin on here) and (psycho ex-girlfriend) are now friends”. She pops up at parties you’re at and tries to make you jealous which in all honesty you really don’t care but the fact that she’s trying to piss you off, pisses you off even more. She’s without question a complete dime piece physically, which is the worst part of it all cuz she uses it against you every chance she gets. On one drunken occasion you text message her and she sends you some fucked up message back in which she alludes to being with another dude right now and she knows that you’re sitting at home by yourself in a drunken stupor. SHE IS THE GREATEST VILLAIN OF ALL TIME.

– Web
email: websince1982@gmail.com
website: websince1982.wordpress.com
indiekazoo.com/websince1982
myspace.com/websince1982
reverbnation.com/websince1982
imeem.com/websince1982

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Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

There ya go, fellas and fella-ettes. Support my dude Web and let’s inject some fuckin’ artistry into the game.

Thanks for checking in,

–Rey.I.Is