ReyTheHussein Speaks Out For The Baking Masses

It’s 12:28am on Friday, August 1st. My birthday is in 11 days. My younger brother is flying in from San Diego in 6 days, 8 hours, and 32 minutes. I’m in decent spirits.

It’s Go Time.

Baking: (verb) A euphemism for masturbation coined by Rey in 1996 and made popular by the infamous Wuss-Side/Yahoo Collabo back in 1997-1998.

Okay, so I’m watching So You Think You Can Dance tonite with Pop Dukes and my friend Miss H., and I discover my newest TV crush girl. Her name is Chelsie, and she’s this cute-as-a-button white blonde white girl (Touche, Fuxito–even tho’ I usually go for brunettes), and lemme tell ya, she’s got the right amount of thick to her legs, twist to her hips, and “Hey Rey, come stick your head in between my thighs for an hour” to said thighs that made it totally worth sitting thru that show. I mean, I don’t have a problem with the dance shows–pop dukes likes ‘em–they’re just not my bag.

Anyway, the horny (get it? horns, horny…get it??) got to the point where I was oogling Miss H. hardcore. *sigh* Then, innocently, I say, “Hey, you want a creamsicle?”. Mind you, despite the horny, I didn’t mean that as a metaphor, I was just in the mood for a frozen confection and was being a polite host. But! My mind quickly went from being a good host to being a horny bastard when I saw her…eating a popsicle. It brought to mind this months’ issue of Maxim magazine where they have this article that decodes secret moves made by girls that wanna be “more than friends”, and debunks certain myths. One such myth was the “seductively eating a popsicle/ice cream cone” one by saying something like, “Sorry dude, there’s just no other way to eat those.” (pause?). Sooo, yeah, I was watching her…and it was awesome…because she’s got a great body and spectacular lips.

And that brings me to the horny.

Thing is, I’m sure a bunch of people reading this are being honest with themselves and going, “Man, I’m horny too. It’s been a while.” Yeah, I bet a lot of my readers are getting waayyyy more than I am, but I bet an equal amount go thru wicked long dry spells where they’re not being honest with themselves, they’re just being on themselves.

It gets me pondering the summer, my life, girls, and all that jazz. Wouldn’t it be great if things worked the way they did in the movies or on TV? I mean, shit, if that were the case, I could make an impassioned speech and land a hottie to wife, or I could stumble serendipitously into bed with some girl waayyyy outta my league, ala The Sherminator and Nadia in American Pie 2.

Think about it, who doesn’t want a hot girl with a stellar rack saying: “FUCK ME, GEEK!”?  Who doesn’t want their kiss in the rain ala Ted and Robin in the last episode of season 1 of How I Met Your Mother? Shit, I know I do!

Point is, this has been a horny summer, and while this year has proven to be semi-on par with last year in terms of amounts of some acquired, I’m still waiting for more awesomeness, more random make-outs, and hopefully some girl deciding she’s gonna rock the fudge outta my world.

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

Well kids, that’s it for today. Enjoy the weekend, horny dudes and horny girls. If you’re not one of the baking masses, then gather up your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/fuck buddy and shag the F away. Smack the girl on the ass for your ol’ pal Uncle The Hussein. Girls, rock the dude’s world and make it so that there’s one less dude out there trolling for ass, crowding the field for yours truly, Dr. Beardhussein.

After all, booty is espectacular, and nobody knows it like someone who’s not…getting…any. Oh, and always, make fun of me if you want–ya’ll know that (1) I don’t give a fuck (or get one, zing!) and (2), you know I’m right!

As always, comments, questions, critiques, and the names and numbers of promiscuous yet disease/crazed dude in their life-free girls can be left below in the Dr. Donda West Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for checking in,

–Rey.I.Is