It’s about time someone shed some light as to what’s going on around here.

It’s 10:07pm on Tuesday, May 27th, 2008. I’m in good spirits.

I had me a job interview at Cablevision today. I think it went well. It’s a customer service gig with a good starting salary and awesome benefits, and there’s a ton of security in that kinda thing, so I’m hoping they’ll offer me a spot in their next training class.

Anyway, I’ve got some stuff on my mind about this Alumnah thing, so let’s get to it.

Enjoy.

When I started here back in December of 2007, I was under the assumption that I was working with some honest, reputable people. Unfortunately, in the last six months, my fellow staffers have revealed several terrible habits and inconsistencies that I refuse to stay quiet about any longer.

Here we go.

Phuque– I’ve already explained some of Phuque’s peculiar upbringing, but nothing could prepare me for our first face-to-face meeting. I was riding around with NYPD officers filming a special edition of COPS when we pulled into the infamous West Village. Shortly after we entered the neighborhood we came across a strange, dreadlocked fellow. He was on the corner wearing neon pink hot-pants and purple fishnet stockings, as well as an orange, frayed vest. The policemen, Officer Scholnick and Officer Gilbert, spied the gentleman and immediately recognized him as a fairly well-known male prostitute. I got out of the car to get a closer look at the guy, and as I got closer, the street-walker’s eyes lit up and he spoke. “Wait, I know that 14 3/8ths hat! Reymundo! Is that you??” I stopped cold–all my prostitutes have historically been female–and then a slow, dreadful realization crept over me. I knew that man from pictures on myspace.com/phuquedaddydollaz. The flambuoyant male whore…was Phuque, my editor in chief. In any event, Officers Scholnick and Gilbert let Phuque Swagga off with a warning, and I was sworn to secrecy. A vow to hold that story secret, which, until now, I honored. (PS–In case you’re curious, it’s $100 per hour–not counting the alcohol).

Tyrone Biggums– Tyrone Biggums is another nefarious character what inhabits the Alumnah offices. Unlike our sigraced E-I-C, Ty isn’t a Man-Ho. Tyrone Biggums is, in actuality, a super-intelligent Duckbilled Platypus. Researchers at the University of Connecticut had long been working with the United States Military to engineer a new order of Super-Soldiers, this time by turning mostly harmless wildlife into Government Operatives. Fortunately for us, and unfortunately for the goverment, the lead scientist working on the Biggums Transformation had an epiphany and a change of heart, and the esteemed Dr. Newton Crosby programmed Tyrone Biggums not to be a cold-blooded soldier, but rather a Sports Fanatic with a penchant for Joe Budden and a distaste for most punctuation. Ty was released into the wild by Dr. Crosby after a fierce lightning storm, and The Biggums Platypus made his way to Bristol, where he hid in the air conditioning vents and spied on the ESPN personnell, honing his craft as a sportswriter. As proud as I am of TyBigg’s changing his life around, it’s still weird to go to work every day and see this strange looking half duck, half beaver lookin’ ass ni**a walking around with a Yankee fitted. “QUACK! Derek Jeter!” this, and “QUACK! Joe Girardi!” that. We get it!

BKScribe– A popular misconception about BKScribe is that the “BK” stands for “Brooklyn”. No sir. In reality, the “BK” stands for “Burger King”, except on Tuesdays, when BKScribe dons a pair of purple’n'green Zubaz pants, a “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” t-shirt, and a fresh set of British Knights sneakers. Also, the “scribe” part of dude’s name also reflects the variances in the “BK” initials. Every…single…day, Phuque has to veto pieces such as: “Long Live the Burger King!”, “Whoppers = Awesome”, and the controversial, “Fuck A Big Mac” post, which was broken up into 3 parts, complete with YouTube video testimonials from people who claimed, “I mean, it’s just thousand island dressing! What’s so special about it??”. Also, the British Knight propaganda gets a bit tiresome, as every Tuesday BKScribe performs a rousing rendition of “Here Comes The Hammer” on our conference room table.

IFux– For the longest time, IFux (real name: Javier “Frijoles” Garcia) has given us the impression that he, well, fux. A lot. We’ve all howled in laughter listening to Javier’s tales of debauchery. We’ve marveled at his ability to create timeless catchphrases, such as the classic “Swag, Temerity, and Chutzpah”. Friends, I must tell you the truth about Javier “Frijoles” Garcia. I must destroy the ruse that we have all been willing partners in. IFux…is a virgin. In fact, if you go back to www.rapbloggyblog.com and search the archives, you’ll see a plethora of comments from a C-Boy named, “I Don’t Fux”. After doing some reading thru the comments section, Javier goes on to describe some of his failed attempts at scoring. To Wit- “IDK man, i dont be callin girls hoes or sluts. i be payin for dinners and shit. its like damn they dont give me anything. for real, my chismo is mad high right now. sometimes i think it’s just never gonna happen.” IFux, you’ve made patsies of us all. No mas, Javier! No mas!

Green Eyes– Greenie, this is the only way I can tell you this. *deep breath*. After AlumnahFest2008 back in March, we went back to our suite in the Marriott Marquis and had a crazy, passionate nite. We did things in positions I’ve never tried before. Arms, legs, all splayed out. Panting, we eventually collapsed from the strain. I must be honest here. Never in my life have I been so physically exhausted from twisting and contorting with a female as beautiful as you. I mean, sure, “Twister” is a board game to some, but to us? It was a declaration. Oh, plus? The sex was da bomb, yo.

Crazy 88– Crazy88 is actually an 56 year old jewish man named Sol Leopold Greensteinowitzbergenblum. Sol is a gentle man, playing shuffle-board with his older sister, Agnes Hava Greensteinowitzbergenblum. She might be 60 years old, but lemme tell you, I’d give it to Agnes hard. Sol enjoys the tunes of Mel Torme, Young Jeezy, and, oddly enough, the cast recordings of Cats & Miss Saigon. In any event, the thing what pisses me off the most about Crazy “Sol” 88 is that he’s always drinking the last of the coffee without brewing more. He’s always leaving the copier low on toner. Worst of all, he never refills the printer. Crazy88? Pff, more like, “Lazy88″!

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

So that’s it. The light of Chicken Wings, Ya’ll justice has been shined upon the fuckery what inhabits the Alumnah.com offices. I hope my co-workers take these critiques for what they are: Chances for improvement.

As always, comments, questions, critiques, and E-High Fives can be left below in the Dr. Donda West Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for checking in,

–Rey.I.Is