One Must Rise, and One Must be Marty Jannetty.

(I normally frown upon disclaimers, but [||] to that pic)

I’ve been reading a lot of Bill Simmons lately, and I’m pretty sure this entry is proof of that.

Anyway, enjoy.

Sometimes in life you stumble upon two entities of apparent equal value. You get two new coworkers, both funny dudes, both into the same sports teams you like, and both with similar interests to you. Eventually tho’, one of those guys is just gonna be a better friend, a better wingman, and a better coworker.

One of them will be revealed to be the Shawn Michaels, and one will be revealed to be the Marty Jannetty.

This happened to me back in Fall 1999. I met two guys, the boyfriend of a girl I was close friends with, and his best friend. It appeared at first that The Boyfriend was the Shawn Michaels–he was funny, he liked the same music as me, and he dug wrestling. The Best Friend was kinda goofy, kinda awkward, and basically seemed disinterested in the goings-on of me and my people. Until, that is, the girl I was friends with got jealous and went crazy. The Boyfriend then abandoned his post as One Of The Guys and ran to his girl, tail ‘tween his legs. The Best Friend ended up sticking around and proved himself to be dynamic, insightful, and hilarious. Eventually the girl and The Boyfriend broke up and he was cool again, but it was too late.

He was Marty Jannetty.

***

The Rockers were an awesome Tag Team back in the days when WWE was still the WWF. High flying moves, colorful costumes, energetic music–the whole boxed set. As WWF/E is prone to do, they broke up the tag team. Shawn Michaels legendarily super-kicked Marty Jannetty thru a plate-glass window and the duo was done. Shawn Michaels eventually became the Heart Break Kid–one of the most talented, charismatic, entertaining wrestlers in the annals of Sports Entertainment.

Marty Jannetty ended up becoming the dude who got super-kicked thru a plate-glass window by HBK.

What you’ll find tho’, is that this kinda thing often happens in the world of Music, Movies, Television, and Sports. Two seemingly similar entities will come along with similar attributes, but one will just end up doing better than the other. Sometimes you can see it coming, sometimes you can’t.

Here’s Chicken Wings, Ya’ll’s list of The Rocker Rule in full motherfuckin’ effizect (Snoop said that once. Step your The Chronic game up!)

1- The Pittsburgh Pirates’ early 90s teams had two superstars that were equally powerful and important on their team. They both left but had strikingly different careers with their new teams.

HBK- Barry Bonds
MarJan- Bobby Bonilla

Barry Bonds went on to become the single-season homerun champion, a multiple-time All Star, and the current All Time leader in Homeruns Hit. Granted, his asterisk is bigger than J-Lo’s (hiyo!) but he still did all that. Bobby Bonilla could’ve injected himself with everything from Steroids to HGH to Whatever’s In Lil’ Wayne’s Styrofoam Cup, and he still wouldn’t have done half of what B-Bonds did. Bobby did have a little retribution tho’. He was on the 1997 Florida Marlins team what won the 1997 World Series.

2- In 1994, Bad Boy Records/Entertainment had two up’n'coming rappers drop equally popular singles in the summer. One MC would go on to be The GOAT, the other one had his phone shut off by Sprint when my boy Zeus was working there.

HBK- The Notorious B.I.G.
MarJan- Craig Mack

“Flava In Ya Ear” was fucking awesome, with a cool video and (arguably) the greatest remix of all time. “Juicy” was equally inescapable, and is historic for it’s greatnessnessnessness. The trick was the follow up single to both. “Juicy” was followed up by “Big Poppa”, and “Flava…” was followed up by…Anyone? Bueller? Not to mention BIG murdalized the remix.

3- I dig a lot of Oldies music, and eventually some stuff creeps in to my head to the point where I really dig a certain sound by a Groupe Ofe Olde. One half of this group is famous, the other one is a punchline.

HBK- Paul Simon
MarJan- Art Garfunkel

Simon and Garfunkel did “Mrs. Robinson” (haha, not that way), “Scarborough Fair”, and that one they played in Old School that goes, “Hello Darkness, my old friend…”. Paul Simon followed up his tag-team career by dropping two classic songs that f’n rock when performed by Cover Bands or by talented karaoke singers. I am, of course, speaking of “You can call me Al” and “Me and Julio down by the schoolyard”. I can’t name one Garfunkel song. On top of that, “Garfunkel” sounds like the name of George Clinton’s fat orange cat.

4- In the summers of 1996, 1997, and 1998, there were pairs of films what came out that had to do with similar themes. Aliens, Magma, and Heavenly Bodies Plummeting.

1996:
HBK- Independence Day
MarJan- The Arrival.

ID4 was a blockbuster like nobody’s business, and it helped launch the film career of one Will Smith. I lived and breathed that movie from the first day I saw it until they re-released the Star Wars trilogy in January 1997. The Arrival centered around Charlie Sheen stumbling across a plot by aliens to speed up global warming. Do me a favor and read that sentence again and you’ll see why ID4 won.

1997:
HBK- Volcano
MarJan- Dante’s Peak

Okay, so neither of these films were box office giants, but the lesson remains. Volcano was pretty cool, with Tommy Lee Jones in full-on Tommy Lee Jones mode, and some cool effects and heroism leading the way. I didn’t see Dante’s Peak except for a few minutes one day on TV, and it was–how shall I put this? Not good. Pearce Brosnan was in it. So was Linda Hamilton. *looks around, adjusts tie* So, yeah. Anyway….

1998:
HBK- Armageddon
MarJan- Deep Impact

I’m gonna say it like this: Armageddon was/is one of the greatest Guy Movies of all time. After the fucking estrogen-fest that was Titanic, I needed this kinda flick. Bruce Willis leads a pack of roughnecks to blow up a fucking asteroid in outer space before it gets us. None of this “Wait for the iceberg” nonsense. We went up and exploded that fucker before Jack and Rose could even get all mushy. Deep Impact had Morgan Freeman (point!) and Tea Leoni (small rack–no point!), and (from what I remember) not much else. On top of that, the fuckin’ asteroid hits us! What? Excuse me? I’d like to think me and my peeps are safe after an Extinction Level Event, thankyouverymuch.

5- The North Carolina Tarheels basketball team has produced it’s share of gifted athletes, and in June of 1995, two of those gifted players were drafted by NBA teams and right onto my list.

HBK- Rasheed Wallace
MarJan- Jerry Stackhouse

Rasheed Wallace was originally a Technical Foul-Prone hothead, viewed as a bad teammate and a bad influence. Until, that is, he got eventually found his way onto the Detroit Pistons in 2004, and was the final component needed for their NBA World Championship that year. Now ‘Sheed is seen as a future coach–a cerebral player that can mold other players. Jerry Stackhouse is still playing and searching for his first NBA Championship. He was the 1995 “Next Michael Jordan” (’93 was Penny, ‘94 was Grant Hill), and never got anywhere close to that level, unattainable as it is.

6- Detroit’s Hip-Hop scene has a spotlight on it thanks in part to two underground MCs breaking through with incredible lyricism and witty barbs. One would go on to become one of–if not the–most popular rappers of all time, and the other one lost a battle to some dude named “Mr. F.A.B.”.

HBK- Eminem
MarJan- Royce Da 5-9

This one might be the closest to the original Rockers story, but instead of plate glass, we had Em standing idly by when Royce’s manager inadvertantly insulted Dr. Dre and shot Royce’s Aftermath deal right in the foot. Eminem went on to sell 80 googillion records, and Royce is still searching for his next hit. Altho’ they’re apparently cool now, Royce had thrown shots at Marshall, and viciously assaulted Em’s buddies in D-12 throughout several diss tracks.

7- When Alumnah.com launched, two talented writers with humor and insight as their main assets took to the interweb. One would go on to write powerful, witty, heart-wrenching posts. The other doesn’t have dreads and picks his nose and doesn’t post shit.

HBK- Rey
MarJan- Phuque

I can’t say where poor Archibald “Phuque” Tibbons went wrong. It could be the fact that he was the youngest of 7 children–the only boy, at that. However, his parents were poor, so he had to wear hand-me-downs. Now, I’m not saying that wearing a dress to classes at Porland’s School for the “Dang, That Boy’s Slow!” was easy, but I am of the mind that the makeup and heels was a bit excessive. In any event, Phuque’s infrequent writing has had numerous mistakes of the content and grammar variety:

“I dont be understandin why peeple be haytin on my man Lil Wayne. He been makin reckords since he was 6 years old. He’s the GOAT. Only guy thatsts better than him is my dood Soulja Boy.”

It’s sad to see someone with so much promise fall so far, but at least you’ve got me. My posts are univerally adored and quoted by some of the greatest minds of our time. I get literally hundreds of e-mails a day asking me for advice, encouraging to post more, and more than a few pictures of scantily clad female admirers. (I see you, Amanda). Even my peers are proclaiming my awesomeness:

“Yo Rey, I don’t wanna sound like a stan or nothing, but reading your work over here and at It Ain’t That Serious inspires me to keep blogging. I’m okay with you being the best blogger around, cuz it makes me wanna work harder and smarter to one day reach the heights of aggressive content that you ascend to with every post. Your Fan and Friend, Meka Soul.”

Poor, poor Archibald. Great, great heartbREYk Kid.

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap

The Rocker Rule is a cruel bitch, but one that has proven to be true time and time again. One shall rise, and one shall fall.

As always, comments, critiques, questions, additions to the list, and reasons why The Arrival is a criminally slept-on classic can be left below in the Dr. Donda West Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for checking in,

–Rey.I.Is