Or, the exact opposite of this.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted something on here, and I’ve been kicking this idea around for a while.

You ever get so pissed off at someone or something that you wanna seek swift, violent, physical retribution? It’s tough to find that right maneuver to lash out at someone. I’ve gone back and forth over the years between hypothetical ways of exacting a fitting revenge for uncalled fuckery: Pouring lime green jello on the head of crazy girls, pushing even crazier psycho girls down a flight of steps, the rock bottom, and of course, the stone cold stunner.

However, none of those moves is quick enough or devastating enough for when you’re really pissed and you really wanna dole out justice on some asshole that’s fucked with you or annoyed you unnecessarily. No sir, you need something lightning quick and great to see.

You need The Super-Kick.

Got a pissed off ex that is giving you shit after she already broke your heart? Super-Kick.

Got a boss that doesn’t care that you need Saturday off for your own sanity and not just for some bullshit reason? Super-Kick.

See a character on TV or in a Movie that infuriates you? Super-Kick.

Yes sir, it’s a powerful weapon in the war against assholes, dickheads, bitches, and insufferable fools. So, given that, here’s the first few entries to Ever-Expanding, Neverending, List of People, Places, and Things that Deserve Super-Kicks.

Now, the fun of this is that you can add your own things to the list. Keep ‘em deserving now, as I will delete additions to the list I deem dickish. The Super-Kick is a weapon used for Justice, not assholitry.

Here we go:

1- Gossip Bloggers. Haysoos Creesto, these people annoy me. Am I supposed to be impressed by your pink scrawling over pictures of a celebrity? Am I supposed to be enthralled with the amount of slang terms you have for “Vagina”? Are your accusations of homosexuality supposed to make me chuckle? Well shit, I hope not, cuz you fuckers are more useless than a “Best of Southern Rap, 2003-2008″ CD.

2- James Dolan. You are a son of a bitch, James Dolan. You have ruined Spring for me. Back from 1992-2001, I would suffer thru the utter useless bullshitfest known as March and the first 3 weeks of April, to arrive at the beauty known as New York Knicks Playoff Basketball. For 10 springs I would lock into a playoff basketball zone and live and die with every single shot, rebound, loss, and victory. Every year provided me with some kind of drama, some kind of gratifying moment–something that made me go, “That was awesome!”. Until…You. You came along with your ridiculous personnel hires and your indifference, and you shat all over tradition, and entertainment, and the loyalty of the fans. James Dolan, I hate you more than I hate the current POTUS. I hate you more than I hate 50 Cent. I hate you more than I hate Jim Jones. I hate you more than I hate Tall White Guys With Bad Hair and Nice Abs what Steal All The Chubby White Girls From Me. I hate you more than I hate any other person on this planet. You deserve the most powerful super-kick ever, you goofy bastard. I hope your own children grow to love something the way I loved Knicks Basketball, only to have it ripped from them and mangled and tortured the way the orange’n'blue was for me. They deserve at least that, you vomitous mass. At least that.

3- My Buddy DTMJ’s Exgirlfriend “L”. This is a heinous bitch par excelence. This fuckin’ girl tried to get my boy fired from his job a week or two ago for nooo reason. This girl is a waste of large breasts, lemme tell you. I can only hope that one day her chin will come into violent contact with the heal of my right 10.5EEEE Avia.

4- Whoever’s in charge of Adult Swim. So…let me get this straight. A bunch of over the top jokes about killing prostitutes, eating children, Jesus, and minorities + Shitty Animation + Random F-List Comedians = Funny? You’re kidding, right? No? People really think that’s funny?Really? Get the fuck outta here! You mean a decade after South Park came along, and 8 years after South Park stopped being funny, people are still impressed by “Pushing the envelope”? Guys, it’s really cute that you’ve managed to tap into the lucrative world of Homophobic, Misogynistic, Racist WhiteBoy dollaz, but come on… The horse is dead, and it wasn’t funny for a minute anyway. Super-Kicks abound for everyone involved with that shit, writers, cosigners, and fans.

5- ESPN’s SportsCenter. When I was 14, SportsCenter was awesome. You had Craig Kilborn, Dan Patrick, Keith Olbermann, Steve Levy… A bunch of cool guys. They had catchphrases, they had humor, and they were entertaining. Then they added music to the highlights. Uh-Oh! I got used to that. Then, they added “The Ticker”. Great, now instead of holding out hope that my Knicks won and waaaiiiting for their highlights to come on, the drama has been removed thanks to the scrolling scores. Then the anchors on the show allll came with little quips. *sigh* Then they added this ridiculous countdown thing to the right side of the screen. Sooo, now my 30″ TV has been reduced to 18″ because of this stupid countdown thing and the ticker. I mean, when the fuck did SportsCenter become CNN Headline News? For shaaame. Fuck you, ESPN. You guys have managed to become this annoying, elitist, pandering network instead of, you know, just showing live sports and highlights.

6- Republicans. I don’t even need to explain this, but I will. It’s not that I have a problem with rich, racist, paranoid, underhanded, deceitful, lying, oblivious, insensitive, out-of-touch dickheads… No, wait. Yes it is. I have that exact problem. My bad.

7- Curtis Jackson. Curtis, Curtis, Curtis. It’s over, buddy. Did you honestly think you’d have a Rocafella or Bad Boy-type run? Silly Bugs Monkey! You need talent for that! Now g’on and make another Fat Joe diss record. There might be come people out there that don’t know that Fat Joe’s fat, yo.

8- Flava Flav. What happened, Flav? Was Lil’ Jon’s “Minstrel of the Year” win in 2003 and repeat in 2004 that hard to take? Don’t worry, Foofie Foofie, you’re doing a fine job of providing Lowest Common Denominator entertainment to ignorant folks of all colors. The minorities who shrug their shoulders and laugh, and the white people who laugh at the minorities who shrug their shoulders and laugh.

9- St. Patrick’s Day Revelers. So lemme get this straight: We’re celebrating a holiday HERE, that centers around some dude driving out the snakes in IRELAND. Here. Ireland. Here. Ireland. You know what makes me laugh? The fact that if it was a black or hispanic holiday that celebrated overindulgence in drinking on a weekday, that shit would be shut down quicker than Byron Crawford during Speed-Dating. Super-Kicks for Stupid Micks. Yeah, I fuckin’ said it.

10- Strip Clubs. Alrighty, let’s see… I pay a $20 cover for the privilege of spending even more money on naked women (yes!) who won’t sleep with me (boo!). Is there some kind of appeal to this I’m unaware of? It’s not that I have a problem with naked women. Heck, I’m okay with seeing any woman naked as long as she’s not related to me and is under 45 years old. I just don’t wanna pay a ton of money for the honor. Heck, I can spend time with girls that won’t sleep with me (”I just wanna be friends!”) for free.

11- Film Critics (professional and amateur). There is no critic worse than a film critic. Seriously. As much as I loathe and detest the “FOH dis shit iz wack!!!!!!!!!” types on the rap blogs I frequent, I have an even deeper level of disdain for Film Critics. First off, you have the newspaper guys, who don’t appreciate any movie that only has the goal of entertaining people. No sir. They want their films to be provocative and thoughtful with rich emotional tapstrieszzZZZZZZZzZZzzzZzz. Fuck that shit. I go to the movies to be entertained. I live real life every day, and real life is single, broke, unemployed, and booooored. The last thing I wanna see is some hollywood actor guy playing someone who is single, broke, unemployed, and boooooored. It’d be like a film critic going to see a movie about a guy who can’t pull his own head out of his pretentious ass long enough to give a fun movie more than 2.5 stars. Secondly, you have the type who fall right in line with the critics. Guys who go to see Science Fiction movies and then get upset when they do something they think is unrealistic. Lemme get this shit straight, you snarky, smarmy assholes: You can go to the movies to watch Independence Day knowing full well the concept is “Aliens come to Earth, blow up major cities, and we fight back”–and that’s okay. Completely within the realm of possibility. The President leads a major aeriel assault? No problem! Randy Quaid sobers up and sacrifices himself? Sure! Jeff Goldblum uses a Mac laptop to tap into the Alien Control Ship? NO! NO! NO! Ahhhh, but of course. That’s just the last danged straw. Vivica Fox can survive a violent explosion by hiding in a supply closet, but a Mac Laptop??? Someone give me a refund!

Fuck. Outta. Here.

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

So there you have it. The first 10 entrants to the Ever-Expanding, Neverending, List of People, Places, and Things That Deserve Super-Kicks. Feel free to leave additions to the list any time you want. I’ll be doing the same. Any other comments, questions, and critiques can be left below in the Dr. Donda West Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,

–Rey.I.Is