It’s about time we had it out, Miss.

I’m sick. I hate being sick. I’m a baby when I’m sick.

And no, I don’t mean ”Baby” in the overly-tatted, mediocre-at-best-even-tho’-I-Liked-”Still Fly”-, *insert gay child molester joke* sense.

Dear Miss E.,

Hi. How are you? I am fine. First off, let me congratulate you on the weight loss. I know I’m a few years late for this, but being a bit of a rotund dude myself, I applaud anyone who can drop weight. {1}

Okay, now that the pleasantries are out of the way….

Missy, I first discovered your “music” in late-1996 on the remix to MC Lyte’s “Cold Rock A Party”, a song I still bump ’til this day. I enjoyed the “Oooh”-ing you provided on the track. Your rap? Ehh, Not so much. As a matter of fact, I think I would’ve preferred a full 16 bars of Puffy’s ad-libs rather than “Hee-Hee-HeeHeeHeeHeeHeeHee-How”.

The next bit of music I heard from you was your breakthrough song, “Supa Dupa Fly (The Rain)” (I might have that backwards…). I thought the song was tripe. In case you don’t know what tripe is, it’s cow intestines. Obviously, cow intestines does not = Good.

Maybe I’m just a hater, but I didn’t like shit about that song. Not the beat, not the lyrics (”Vroom” isn’t brilliant. It’s a fucking sound effect), not the “groundbreaking” video. You know what I liked about that whole song? Puffy’s cameo, Lil’ Cease’s cameo, and seeing Lil’ Kim before she became a scary blowup doll.

Speaking of blown up—If you’re already a hefty (*pun alert*) chick with an overbite, why are you gonna put on a fucking trash bag and have it inflated to where you look like the bastard offspring of Batman and The Michelin Man?

But I digress.

The point is, I hated that fuckin’ song. I hated your verse on “Ladies Night”–a song where you were outdone by Angie Martinez. You know, of “If I Could Go” fame? Yeah. Her. Plus, I laughed my ass off at the 1997 VMAs where your stupid little “weeki-weeki” ad-libs and lame dance caused your microphone to go all screwy. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll laugh at it again: LOL.

There.

After that it was song after song after song of utter crap. Whether you were Megaman in some video, or spitting in effeminate back-up dancer’s mouths, or rapping backwards…I hated it all. Well, that’s not entirely fair. I liked Ludacris’ verses in “One Minute Man” and “Gossip Folks”. Of course, that still didn’t make up for you wreaking havoc on an unsuspecting populace with appearances on both Ci-”I can be Aaliyah {2}!”-ara’s or Keyshia “Rey’s Future Baby Mama” Cole’s recent projects.

People hail you a genius, I hail you as mediocre. People hail you as a visionary, I hail you a taxi to the airport to hopefully fly to a land without any recording equipment.

However. 

This letter is about closure, so let’s get to it. The thing is, Miss, it’s not you. It’s me. More accurately, it’s not you, it’s my exgirlfriend’s exgirlfriend. Yeah, you read that right.

In the summer of 1997 my ex fell in love with a girl while I was still in love with her. My exgirl’s new chick was a slightly chubby girl with an overbite. She was a white girl, but the connection was made. I’d see your fuckin’ video and I’d think “That hefty-bagged heifer looks like my ex’s new girlfriend.” And the hate would swell like Jamie-Lynn Spears will in, oh, 2-3 months.

But wait. There’s more.

In summer 2002 I was dating this tall chick with small boobs who had pretty eyes and a great ass for a tall white girl. We eventually split up for a bit, but eventually started hanging out again around the time you put out that “Work It” (I think–the backwards rappin’ one) song. Tall White Boobless Girl loved that fuckin’ song of yours. So, in turn, I liked it too. Then, TWBG got back with her exboyfriend, and the curse of Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot continued.

It’s like…It’s like…You just hate seeing me happy, don’t you Missy?

Since then it’s been a steady diet of me rolling my eyes at you, and generally spitting on you and asking for patience at the growing well of rage whenever one of your “songs” or “videos” plays.  I know it’s not fair to you, but such are the breaks.

Anyway, I just just wanted to finally get all of that out, and hopefully you’ll make a record with Kanye West or Fall Out Boy or Joe Budden–artists whose music I actually enjoy–that will get me to stop thinking your entire presence in the world of music should have stopped after “Cold Rock A Party”.

Then again, Timbaland did a song with FOB, and we all know how I feel about him.

All the best,

–Reymundo Segundo Telemundo aka the Strongbad of Alumnah.com

{1}- No, really. That shit is tough. Of course, having a personal chef, trainer, and hair-holder when purging… Dangit, I really wanted that to be sincere. Bad Rey, Bad!

{2}-Absolutely no offense is meant towards Aaliyah whatsoever. RIP, Babygirl.